Lost

Lost.

Yup, that basically describes my life right now. Lost in this astronomy class that I’m sitting in right now. Staring at a blank page that should probably be filled with notes. Lost in my thoughts, memories, dreams, fears. Lost in wondering whether or not tomorrow is gonna come. Lost in hoping that one day things will start to make sense. Lost in life.

I feel hopeless. Like one morning I woke up and any hope I had for the rest of the day, week, month, year, was gone. Nowhere to be found. I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, or who I supposed to be anymore. I’m coming to realize just how hard life can be. Not so much physically hard, but mentally and emotionally hard. It’s busy and draining and is taking a huge toll on me lately. So many things to do, so many things to figure out, so many things to remember, being pulled in so many different directions by different commitments I’ve made because I just can’t let myself say no to anyone. I don’t want to make anyone unhappy. I don’t want to let anyone down.

Exhausted, empty, and lost. Three words that I have been feeling for months. I don’t let anyone see it. I know how to hide it, but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it go away. I want to feel free and like I know what I am doing. I want to find myself and who I was meant to be in this life. I want to help people and be there for people. I know that someday I will find myself. That day will come, I’m not doubting that. Everything will make sense at some point and I’ll look back at this time and see how it made that sense come about. It’s just this time now, feeling so lost, uncertain, scared, empty. I don’t know how to handle it. And admitting that makes me feel weak and small.

I know that everyone has times like this that they go through. I am not blind to that fact. I know that life isn’t always as peachy as we wish it were. But I’m not giving up. I’m trying to make the most of everyday that comes about. I’m trying to make the most of the time that I have with the people I love most. Despite how I may be feeling inside. I say this because, no matter how hard things might get, no matter how lost you feel, how empty you feel, there will come a day when those feelings are gone and replaced with peace. We just have to find hope for that time, have faith that it will come, and wait. Patiently wait.

Scream

The knife in my back,

The knife from your hands,

Makes me feel like I did something wrong,

But what did I do,

Cause you know you hurt me too,

This is not all my fault,

And I need to show you,

 

That I am not the way that I used to be,

And I thought that was something that you could see,

 

And I wanna scream,

It makes me wanna scream,

 

I think you know I miss you,

And despite what’s been said,

All I wanna do is talk to you,

Say what did I do,

Cause you know you hurt me too,

This is not all my fault,

And I need to show you that,

 

I am not the way that I used to be,

And I thought that was something that you could see,

 

And I wanna scream,

It makes me wanna scream,

 

The knife in my back,

The knife from your hands,

Makes me feel like I did something wrong.

 

Link to song:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/freedom-ep/id461765119

Copyright 2011

Meant For More

Don’t be afraid of who you are,

Take off the mask that you’ve been hiding behind,

Let the world see your pretty face,

You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,

 

Don’t be afraid to shed some tears,

Let your feelings show you know that’s all you’ve ever wanted

But you’ve been hurt throughout the years,

So you keep everything locked up inside,

And no one has the key,

 

Don’t forget,

You’re beautiful,

Don’t forget,

You’re wonderful,

Don’t forget,

Your past doesn’t make up who you are,

And you were meant for more,

 

Don’t let your confidence be weak,

Cause we’ve all done some things that we’re not proud of,

And when you feel you’ve taken all you can take,

Just keep on going don’t give up and you can make it,

Nobody said it’d be easy,

 

Don’t forget,

You’re beautiful,

Don’t forget,

You’re wonderful,

Don’t forget,

Your past doesn’t make up who you are,

And you were meant for more,

 

We’ve been hurt and we have fallen,

We’ve been bruised and brokenhearted,

Torn apart and now we’re calling for help,

He has heard our cries,

He is coming now,

He will help us, He will help us,

And He’s saying,

 

Don’t forget,

You’re beautiful,

Don’t forget,

You’re wonderful,

Don’t forget,

Your past doesn’t make up who you are,

And you were meant for more,

There’s so much more in store,

You were meant for more.

 

Link to song:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/freedom-ep/id461765119

Copyright 2011

Freedom

You’re all I want,

You’re all I see,

All I need,

You’re all I know,

You’re all I feel,

You’re all I want to be,

 

Show Yourself through me,

Let them see that with You comes a freedom unlike any other,

 

You broke my chains,

And You set me free,

Opened my eyes,

To the truth of Your word oh God,

You helped me to see,

That the pain is only temporary,

 

There’s no where too deep,

No where too high,

No where too far,

There’s no where to run,

No where to hide,

From Your amazing love,

Show Yourself through me,

Let them see that with You comes a freedom unlike any other,

 

You broke my chains,

And You set me free,

Opened my eyes,

To the truth of Your word oh God,

You helped me to see,

That the pain is only temporary,

 

We’re no longer bound,

We’re no longer stuck,

To the limitations of this world,

We’re no longer bound,

We’re no longer stuck,

To the limitations of this world,

We’re no longer bound,

We’re no longer stuck,

To the limitations of this world,

We’re no longer bound,

We’re no longer stuck,

To the limitations of this world,

 

Oh You set us free,

You set us free,

 

You broke my chains,

And You set me free,

Opened my eyes,

To the truth of Your word oh God,

You helped me to see,

That the pain is only temporary.

 

Link to song:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/freedom-ep/id461765119

Copyright 2011

You Carried Me

Looking back on my life before You,

It’s so amazing,

The change that I’ve been through,

Looking back on the way I used to be,

Living life so selfishly,

 

Now that I’ve seen my ways were wrong,

I know that You’ve been with me all along,

No matter how hard it may have been,

I know You’ve always had me in the palm of Your hand,

I’m in the palm of Your hand oh God,

 

You have never left me,

You have always been,

Walking right here with me,

Walking in the sand,

When I look back and see all the destruction,

That You helped me walk through,

I see it oh so clearly,

Oh Lord You carried me,

 

I could never know,

How I deserve this,

Everything You’ve done for me,

I’ve given You less,

That’s the beauty of Your mercy and grace,

No matter where we are,

We always have a place,

In Your heart and in Your home,

 

You have never left me,

You have always been,

Walking right here with me,

Walking in the sand,

When I look back and see all the destruction,

That You helped me walk through,

I see it oh so clearly,

 

Oh Lord You carried me,

 

You have never left me,

You have always been,

Walking right here with me,

Walking in the sand,

When I look back and see all the destruction,

That You helped me walk through,

I see it oh so clearly,

 

You have never left me,

You have always been,

Walking right here with me,

Walking in the sand,

When I look back and see all the destruction,

That You helped me walk through,

I see it oh so clearly,

Oh Lord You carried me.

 

Link to song:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/freedom-ep/id461765119

Copyright 2011

Life

There are three things that we all have in common; we’re born, we lie, and we die.

We’re remembered by the way we live our lives.

By the people that we are.

By the way we carry ourselves.

By the way we handle hard times.

By the passions that we have.

By our stories.

These things make us who we are.

Death is inevitable, but life is something that we can make the most of.

Your life is yours and only yours.

You have a say in where it goes.

You dream your own dreams.

You take your own chances.

You make your own mistakes.

You make your own friends.

You live your own life.

When you’re gone, you’re gone, there’s no coming back to do the things you wish you’d done.

There’s no coming back to apologize to the people you’ve hurt.

There’s no coming back to ask forgiveness for the things you’ve done wrong.

There’s no second chance, once you’re gone.

There’s no promise of tomorrow.

Life is way too short for worrying, so live knowing that everything will work out eventually.

Life is way too short for regrets, so don’t dwell on your mistakes, learn from them.

Life is way too short for hate, so love everyone.

There are lots of reasons that people have for hating people.

They did this. They did that. He stole my car. She stole my boyfriend.

But one that really gets to me is people hating people because they’re not like them.

For whatever reason.

The way that they live.

The color of their skin.

They have different views on different things.

They’re not pretty enough.

They’re not skinny enough.

They did absolutely nothing to you personally.

But they’re not “normal”.

They’re different.

We’re all different.

What is normal?

There’s no such thing.

Each person leads a different life.

Each life has different obstacles.

Each obstacle leads to different choices.

Each person on this earth has a different story and a different perspective.

How can you find normality in that?

You can’t.

We were made to be different.

Embrace it.

You’re going to do things in your life that others will see as weird.

Don’t let that stop you.

Be weird.

I’d rather be weird than normal any day.

Don’t spend years and years trying to fit in with the “popular” or the “cool” people at school or wherever you are.

Chances are, they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.

The friends that you make by being yourself are the only ones that you need.

The people that accept you for who you are and aren’t trying to change you, the way that you think, or the way that you live your life, those are the friends worth making and keeping.

Even with these friends, there are still ups and downs.

You just have to know who the people are in your life that are worth fighting for, and who are the ones that you should just let go of.

Don’t let people tear you down.

And never tear yourself down.

Don’t believe the people telling you that you’re not good enough.

Don’t believe the people telling you that you’re not beautiful, because you are.

Don’t take any of the negative comments seriously, because the person dishing them out is probably more insecure than you.

Of course, it’s not going to be easy.

But in the end, it will all be worth it.

Live your life as someone that people will want to remember.

Someone whose life people will look at and say, “I want to be like her,” or “I want to be like him.”

Someone whose life the generation after us will look at and strive to model their own lives after.

Live a life that you will be proud to say was yours.

Who Am I?

I am a person with a dream.

A dream that so many other people possess.

I want to help change the world.

Help make it a better place for all of us.

I want to help people who are in need, who have lost hope, and who simply need someone to care about them.

I don’t want to live my life for me, I want to live it for others.

How in the world can I accomplish that?

With the power of music.

Something you may not know just by looking at me is that I am a Christian and my faith is a huge part of my life.

I’m here to tell you that I believe that God has given me a talent to be used to share a song of hope to those who have lost hope.

Now I’m not trying to preach at all, I’m just informing you of the most important part of my life.

I know that there are many people out there that don’t believe in God.

I sing for them too.

Anyone that is going through life feeling unloved, lost, hurt, or scared, I sing for them.

No matter what beliefs people may have, I hate for anyone to go through life without hope.

I want people to know that they are loved.

I want people to see that life does get better.

When I was at the lowest point in my life, I felt like I was left stranded, alone, to fend for myself.

I had lost hope.

But I have come to realize that was merely a lie that was planted in my head.

I know that there are people out there that believe those same lies.

I want to spend my life trying to help destroy those lies.

Who am I?

I’m a girl with a passion for music and for sharing the grace of God.

I try to show that through the songs that I write.

I write about personal experiences, good and bad.

I write songs based off of stories that I hear about other peoples’ lives.

I write to help people realize that no matter what they may think, they’re not alone.

There are people in this world, going through the same stuff that they are.

They too feel alone, helpless, and hopeless.

I write songs in an attempt to give those people hope.

Unbearable Guilt-A Short Story

I’m freezing.  I have been for the past week.  Looking back, hearing Wendy’s voice…“just numbing the pain.”  How could I have been so clueless? How could I hear that from my best friend and not give it any thought?  Everything that happened in that final week of her life and I was stupid enough to not put together the pieces.

It’s raining; hasn’t completely stopped for a week.  I watch the back and forth of the windshield wipers sweeping away the water.  The grass seems as if its permenantly flooded.  I’ve been walking outside when it pours whenever my mom leaves the house, which she doesn’t do often because she’s scared that Wendy’s death is going to make me do something drastic.  Something drastic is what I need to do but it’s not going to be something to cause myself physical harm.

I pass another stop sign.  Whatever.  If mom wanted me to get to school in a safe manner, she would have driven me herself.  I drive into the parking lot, trying to pull myself together enough to dodge the kids walking to the school.  I find a spot towards the very end of the lot.

I take a deep breath in and let it out.  I get out of the car and start towards the school.  Last time I did this, Wendy was walking besides me.  “Just numbing the pain.”  Those g*dd*mn words again, get out of my head.

My thoughts are interrupted by the bell.  Late.  Awesome.  I make my way to my first block English class, ignore the sub’s request for a late pass, and walk to my seat.  The stares that I get are ridiculous, everyone noticeably turning their heads, their eyes following me to my seat in the back of the classroom.  But I don’t care.  I might have cared a week ago, but now life is just blah.

Today’s subject: commas.  Ugh, seriously, senior year and people still can’t get these?  I put my elbows on the desk and rest my head in my palms.  I stare at my favorite poster in the front of the room: “writing is the soul on paper”.  What draws me to this, I don’t know.  I can’t write for anything, maybe it’s that I wish I could, who knows?

As I’m staring down this poster, my thoughts run wild, but I don’t try to stop them.  I’ve got the next hour and a half to think things through.

I go back to that Wednesday morning.  I’m in my car on my way to Wendy’s house; I used to pick her up from school because her parents were too busy getting divorced and didn’t have the money to buy her a car.  She has long sleeves on; it’s May 22, she’s going to be hot in that school.  She gets in the car with tears in her eyes.  She’s been crying a lot lately, but every time I see her cry, it hurts me too, “What’s wrong?” I say.

“You know how I called you after school yesterday about Alex being a complete jerk?”  Wendy had confronted Alex, her year long boyfriend, about how controlling he was.  He wouldn’t give her any freedom and the only person he would let her hang out with was me because me and him were friends too.

I put the car in reverse and pull out of the driveway, “Yeah, what about it?”

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That’s The Beauty of It

That’s the beauty of it.

Of life, of course…

It goes by.

Not giving a care if we’re ready or not.

It drags us with it.

Despite the fact that we want to stay there in the moment.

It keeps going.

Even when we’re not sure we’re strong enough to move on.

It doesn’t give us a choice.

It messes with our heads.

But through all these things…

It makes us stronger even through the obstacles it at throws us.

It makes us the people we are today and the people we will be years from now.

Everyday, no matter how hard it may be, makes us stronger, whether we realize it or not.

…And somehow, no matter how bad things may get, we always seem to make it through.

What If, What If, What If, Get Out of My Head!

What if tomorrow never comes?

What if I spend all of this money on school, only to drop out?

What if I die tonight?

What if my dreams are too big and I won’t be able to reach them?

What if people don’t like me?

What if i never amount to anything?

What if I fail?

Worry. It’s what I spend basically all of my time on. Every day I worry about these, sometimes, irrational things. Things that likely won’t happen. Things that I am wasting my life dwelling on. One day, I pray that I will wake up and not have to deal with this fear. That I will be able to enjoy one day without being afraid of what is to come. That I can just enjoy life, be happy and have nothing but hope for the future.

It’s just that, the future terrifies me. I don’t know why. It never used to, but being in my second year of college and still not knowing what I’m doing there or where I’m going in my life. I’m just terrified that I won’t figure it out.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that time flies. Flies fast. It’s hard to believe that I’ve already been in college for a year. And I’m scared that I will wake up one day and I will have been here for four years and still have no idea what I’m doing here.

It’s literally the most frustrating thing that I have ever dealt with. How am I supposed to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life when I still feel like a kid? I don’t even know if school is what I’m supposed to be doing right now. But, I mean, I always thought that college is just what you do after high school. I never really thought past that. So here I am, wasting my time and money on this place when I don’t even know that I will graduate.

So why not drop out?

Believe me, I have thought through this many a time. To the point where I’m like, “Okay, this is it. I’m not going back next semester.” But I always talk myself out of it, or let my parents talk me out of it and here I am. Middle of my third semester and endlessly pondering whether or not I should drop out. If I had a plan as to what I would do besides school, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

It’s a big decision, and it’s taking over my life. My mind is filled with what ifs.

What if I can’t find a job?

What if I can’t pay back the loans I’ve taken out?

What if I don’t have anywhere to go?

What if I lose everything?

Sometimes, we need to fail a little, or even a lot, to succeed. So what if I fall a few times. Life isn’t at all supposed to be perfect. What if that is what I need to truly find myself. Taking chances is what makes life interesting. Maybe taking a chance is what I need to do. Get these what ifs out of my head and take a step of faith.