Yup, that basically describes my life right now. Lost in this astronomy class that I’m sitting in right now. Staring at a blank page that should probably be filled with notes. Lost in my thoughts, memories, dreams, fears. Lost in wondering whether or not tomorrow is gonna come. Lost in hoping that one day things will start to make sense. Lost in life.
I feel hopeless. Like one morning I woke up and any hope I had for the rest of the day, week, month, year, was gone. Nowhere to be found. I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, or who I supposed to be anymore. I’m coming to realize just how hard life can be. Not so much physically hard, but mentally and emotionally hard. It’s busy and draining and is taking a huge toll on me lately. So many things to do, so many things to figure out, so many things to remember, being pulled in so many different directions by different commitments I’ve made because I just can’t let myself say no to anyone. I don’t want to make anyone unhappy. I don’t want to let anyone down.
Exhausted, empty, and lost. Three words that I have been feeling for months. I don’t let anyone see it. I know how to hide it, but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it go away. I want to feel free and like I know what I am doing. I want to find myself and who I was meant to be in this life. I want to help people and be there for people. I know that someday I will find myself. That day will come, I’m not doubting that. Everything will make sense at some point and I’ll look back at this time and see how it made that sense come about. It’s just this time now, feeling so lost, uncertain, scared, empty. I don’t know how to handle it. And admitting that makes me feel weak and small.
I know that everyone has times like this that they go through. I am not blind to that fact. I know that life isn’t always as peachy as we wish it were. But I’m not giving up. I’m trying to make the most of everyday that comes about. I’m trying to make the most of the time that I have with the people I love most. Despite how I may be feeling inside. I say this because, no matter how hard things might get, no matter how lost you feel, how empty you feel, there will come a day when those feelings are gone and replaced with peace. We just have to find hope for that time, have faith that it will come, and wait. Patiently wait.