Lost

Lost.

Yup, that basically describes my life right now. Lost in this astronomy class that I’m sitting in right now. Staring at a blank page that should probably be filled with notes. Lost in my thoughts, memories, dreams, fears. Lost in wondering whether or not tomorrow is gonna come. Lost in hoping that one day things will start to make sense. Lost in life.

I feel hopeless. Like one morning I woke up and any hope I had for the rest of the day, week, month, year, was gone. Nowhere to be found. I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, or who I supposed to be anymore. I’m coming to realize just how hard life can be. Not so much physically hard, but mentally and emotionally hard. It’s busy and draining and is taking a huge toll on me lately. So many things to do, so many things to figure out, so many things to remember, being pulled in so many different directions by different commitments I’ve made because I just can’t let myself say no to anyone. I don’t want to make anyone unhappy. I don’t want to let anyone down.

Exhausted, empty, and lost. Three words that I have been feeling for months. I don’t let anyone see it. I know how to hide it, but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it go away. I want to feel free and like I know what I am doing. I want to find myself and who I was meant to be in this life. I want to help people and be there for people. I know that someday I will find myself. That day will come, I’m not doubting that. Everything will make sense at some point and I’ll look back at this time and see how it made that sense come about. It’s just this time now, feeling so lost, uncertain, scared, empty. I don’t know how to handle it. And admitting that makes me feel weak and small.

I know that everyone has times like this that they go through. I am not blind to that fact. I know that life isn’t always as peachy as we wish it were. But I’m not giving up. I’m trying to make the most of everyday that comes about. I’m trying to make the most of the time that I have with the people I love most. Despite how I may be feeling inside. I say this because, no matter how hard things might get, no matter how lost you feel, how empty you feel, there will come a day when those feelings are gone and replaced with peace. We just have to find hope for that time, have faith that it will come, and wait. Patiently wait.

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Just A Bunch of Random Letters

Think about it, you’re reading a book or writing a paper and you look at a word and after a while, it doesn’t look like a word anymore. Just a bunch of letters thrown randomly together. You start to think. You know that these letters make a word, but when you really look at it, it just looks so¬†weird. Like there’s no way that these letters could mean anything at all.

Sometimes, life can feel that way. Like all we are is just a bunch of random events thrown together with no meaning at all. The things that happen to us in our lives, or the things that we have done are all just separate events. We know that our lives must have some sort of meaning, but everything is so random and thrown together and confusing. Life doesn’t flow together like we think that it should. It all seems so meaningless and separate. Like there’s no point to this day to day life that we’re living. It’s not going to go anywhere. That it will just go on and on and on and on.

Now, when you look back at the letters on the page, you eventually think about it and see the true meaning of the word again. It’s recognizable again. You see the word as a whole, not just all of the random letters. This word really does mean something. The letters may be randomly thrown together, but together, they have meaning.

Same goes with our lives. The things that happen may feel meaningless and random sometimes. You might get caught up in routine so much that you begin to lose focus and find it difficult to even recognize¬†yourself anymore. But through all of that, you’re still there. Your life still has meaning even if you can’t see it. And at some point, you’ll look back at all of these random events you’re living right now and see that it all adds up. They might be a bunch of random events, but if you look at life as a whole, you’ll see that the trials and triumphs of today make you into who you’re going to be tomorrow and for the rest of you life.

Even looking back to where you were a couple of years ago and seeing how much has changed. How much you have changed, how much the way you look at life has changed, how much the people in your lives have changed. You might be in a completely different spot than you were back then. You’re seeing it as a whole, but when you were living in that time, it was all separate and random.

Give it time and a little patience, and someday, you’ll see that while your life might be a bunch of random letters, if you look back at the whole, they spell something beautiful.