Fear

If I wasn’t so afraid, things would be better.

If I wasn’t so afraid, I wouldn’t spend each day thinking about all of the terrible things that go on in this world.  I wouldn’t spend every single day scared and letting fear hold me back from just being happy and living my life.  I know that I need to let God take control.  Well.  He already has control, always has.  But I need to let myself rest in knowing that fact. I need to find peace in knowing that God has me in the palm of His hand.

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

This verse is one that I have been holding very close lately.  There are so many things in this world that we don’t understand.  That we are unable to understand.  It’s frustrating.  It’s scary.  It’s hard to live in a world that you don’t understand.  A world that you don’t necessarily trust.  There are so many terrible things that happen.  So many terrible people.  So many things to be scared of.  To be paranoid about.

Fear has held me back so much lately.  It’s probably the most frustrating thing that I’ve dealt with in a while.  I need to trust God with my whole heart.  Not focus on what I know or what I think I know, but have faith in Him and that He knows what He’s doing.

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What If, What If, What If, Get Out of My Head!

What if tomorrow never comes?

What if I spend all of this money on school, only to drop out?

What if I die tonight?

What if my dreams are too big and I won’t be able to reach them?

What if people don’t like me?

What if i never amount to anything?

What if I fail?

Worry. It’s what I spend basically all of my time on. Every day I worry about these, sometimes, irrational things. Things that likely won’t happen. Things that I am wasting my life dwelling on. One day, I pray that I will wake up and not have to deal with this fear. That I will be able to enjoy one day without being afraid of what is to come. That I can just enjoy life, be happy and have nothing but hope for the future.

It’s just that, the future terrifies me. I don’t know why. It never used to, but being in my second year of college and still not knowing what I’m doing there or where I’m going in my life. I’m just terrified that I won’t figure it out.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that time flies. Flies fast. It’s hard to believe that I’ve already been in college for a year. And I’m scared that I will wake up one day and I will have been here for four years and still have no idea what I’m doing here.

It’s literally the most frustrating thing that I have ever dealt with. How am I supposed to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life when I still feel like a kid? I don’t even know if school is what I’m supposed to be doing right now. But, I mean, I always thought that college is just what you do after high school. I never really thought past that. So here I am, wasting my time and money on this place when I don’t even know that I will graduate.

So why not drop out?

Believe me, I have thought through this many a time. To the point where I’m like, “Okay, this is it. I’m not going back next semester.” But I always talk myself out of it, or let my parents talk me out of it and here I am. Middle of my third semester and endlessly pondering whether or not I should drop out. If I had a plan as to what I would do besides school, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

It’s a big decision, and it’s taking over my life. My mind is filled with what ifs.

What if I can’t find a job?

What if I can’t pay back the loans I’ve taken out?

What if I don’t have anywhere to go?

What if I lose everything?

Sometimes, we need to fail a little, or even a lot, to succeed. So what if I fall a few times. Life isn’t at all supposed to be perfect. What if that is what I need to truly find myself. Taking chances is what makes life interesting. Maybe taking a chance is what I need to do. Get these what ifs out of my head and take a step of faith.