Lost

Lost.

Yup, that basically describes my life right now. Lost in this astronomy class that I’m sitting in right now. Staring at a blank page that should probably be filled with notes. Lost in my thoughts, memories, dreams, fears. Lost in wondering whether or not tomorrow is gonna come. Lost in hoping that one day things will start to make sense. Lost in life.

I feel hopeless. Like one morning I woke up and any hope I had for the rest of the day, week, month, year, was gone. Nowhere to be found. I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, or who I supposed to be anymore. I’m coming to realize just how hard life can be. Not so much physically hard, but mentally and emotionally hard. It’s busy and draining and is taking a huge toll on me lately. So many things to do, so many things to figure out, so many things to remember, being pulled in so many different directions by different commitments I’ve made because I just can’t let myself say no to anyone. I don’t want to make anyone unhappy. I don’t want to let anyone down.

Exhausted, empty, and lost. Three words that I have been feeling for months. I don’t let anyone see it. I know how to hide it, but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it go away. I want to feel free and like I know what I am doing. I want to find myself and who I was meant to be in this life. I want to help people and be there for people. I know that someday I will find myself. That day will come, I’m not doubting that. Everything will make sense at some point and I’ll look back at this time and see how it made that sense come about. It’s just this time now, feeling so lost, uncertain, scared, empty. I don’t know how to handle it. And admitting that makes me feel weak and small.

I know that everyone has times like this that they go through. I am not blind to that fact. I know that life isn’t always as peachy as we wish it were. But I’m not giving up. I’m trying to make the most of everyday that comes about. I’m trying to make the most of the time that I have with the people I love most. Despite how I may be feeling inside. I say this because, no matter how hard things might get, no matter how lost you feel, how empty you feel, there will come a day when those feelings are gone and replaced with peace. We just have to find hope for that time, have faith that it will come, and wait. Patiently wait.

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What If, What If, What If, Get Out of My Head!

What if tomorrow never comes?

What if I spend all of this money on school, only to drop out?

What if I die tonight?

What if my dreams are too big and I won’t be able to reach them?

What if people don’t like me?

What if i never amount to anything?

What if I fail?

Worry. It’s what I spend basically all of my time on. Every day I worry about these, sometimes, irrational things. Things that likely won’t happen. Things that I am wasting my life dwelling on. One day, I pray that I will wake up and not have to deal with this fear. That I will be able to enjoy one day without being afraid of what is to come. That I can just enjoy life, be happy and have nothing but hope for the future.

It’s just that, the future terrifies me. I don’t know why. It never used to, but being in my second year of college and still not knowing what I’m doing there or where I’m going in my life. I’m just terrified that I won’t figure it out.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that time flies. Flies fast. It’s hard to believe that I’ve already been in college for a year. And I’m scared that I will wake up one day and I will have been here for four years and still have no idea what I’m doing here.

It’s literally the most frustrating thing that I have ever dealt with. How am I supposed to decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life when I still feel like a kid? I don’t even know if school is what I’m supposed to be doing right now. But, I mean, I always thought that college is just what you do after high school. I never really thought past that. So here I am, wasting my time and money on this place when I don’t even know that I will graduate.

So why not drop out?

Believe me, I have thought through this many a time. To the point where I’m like, “Okay, this is it. I’m not going back next semester.” But I always talk myself out of it, or let my parents talk me out of it and here I am. Middle of my third semester and endlessly pondering whether or not I should drop out. If I had a plan as to what I would do besides school, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

It’s a big decision, and it’s taking over my life. My mind is filled with what ifs.

What if I can’t find a job?

What if I can’t pay back the loans I’ve taken out?

What if I don’t have anywhere to go?

What if I lose everything?

Sometimes, we need to fail a little, or even a lot, to succeed. So what if I fall a few times. Life isn’t at all supposed to be perfect. What if that is what I need to truly find myself. Taking chances is what makes life interesting. Maybe taking a chance is what I need to do. Get these what ifs out of my head and take a step of faith.